


chatfics for sad people lol

by Diamantspitzhacke (RedSoleWrites)



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Michael the Zombie Piglin - Freeform, Ranboo Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo and Tubbo are platonically married, Toby Smith | Tubbo Needs a Hug, TommyInnit Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF), chatfic, my favorite, no beta we die like tommy lol, no i take no criticism, shhhh we're ignoring canon events for now we're just having a fun time, they're all vibing, tubbo is a communist, yay the traumatized teens are having a great time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:59:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29931717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedSoleWrites/pseuds/Diamantspitzhacke
Summary: Welcome, one and all, to another chatfic. Here we ignore so much of the events of canon and instead we Vibe with the traumatized teens as we always do.[Traumatized Teens Club]*cracks coke can*: BOYS*cracks coke can*: I HAVE DECIDEDfor the motherland: whatve you decided tommy*cracks coke can*: TODAY IS THE DAY
Relationships: Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Ranboo & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Comments: 19
Kudos: 363





	1. *cracks coke can*: YOU MY LITTLE ATHLETE’S FOOT

**Author's Note:**

> Tommy: *cracks coke can*  
> Tubbo: for the motherland  
> Ranboo: tall child looking terrible

**[Traumatized Teens Club]**

*cracks coke can*: BOYS

*cracks coke can*: I HAVE DECIDED

for the motherland: whatve you decided tommy

*cracks coke can*: TODAY IS THE DAY

*cracks coke can*: WE KILL ALL MEN

tall child looking terrible: normally I would be against Tommy’s ideas

tall child looking terrible: however

tall child looking terrible: I can get behind this

for the motherland: i do have nukes

*cracks coke can*: YEAAAH BOYSS LET’S GOOOOOOO

*cracks coke can*: LET’S MAKE THIS SHIT HAPPEN

*cracks coke can*: FUCK YEAH

tall child looking terrible: should we be worried that we have no impulse control?

for the motherland: naaaaah

for the motherland:

tall child looking terrible:

*cracks coke can*:

*cracks coke can*: so who wants to tell the assembled server of men about their imminent demise?

for the motherland: i vote ranboo does it

tall child looking terrible: whyyyyyy tho

for the motherland: because i am a Supportive Friend

tall child looking terrible: how does putting me into a situation that plays directly into my anxiety show you to be a supportive friend in any way

for the motherland: idk, ask tommy

for the motherland: he did it to me and i turned out fine

tall child looking terrible: i

tall child looking terrible: I would contest that point

for the motherland: understandeble, have a nice day

tall child looking terrible: why are we like this

*cracks coke can*: PROBABLY THE REPEATED TRAUMA BIG MEN

tall child looking terrible: eyyyyyyyyyyy

for the motherland: eyyyyyyyyyyyyy

*cracks coke can*: EEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

for the motherland: anyways ranboo you do still have to tell the whole smp that we’re nukng them

tall child looking terrible: I accept this solemn duty

tall child looking terrible: however I want you to know what you have released onto the public

tall child looking terrible: because I will be informing them in the form of a tiktok

*cracks coke can*: how can this go wrong

tall child looking terrible: tommy I want you to know that I only just now realized the coke in your name referred to the popular soda brand Coca-Cola

*cracks coke can*: wha

*cracks coke can*: what did you think it was referring to

tall child looking terrible: I plead the 5th

*cracks coke can*: im british I dont know what that is

for the motherland: he means cocaine tommy

*cracks coke can*: OH

for the motherland: honestly with you it could go either way

*cracks coke can*: OI

*cracks coke can*: I TAKE OFFESNE TO THAT

for the motherland: no you dont

tall child looking terrible: no you don’t

*cracks coke can*: no i don’t

for the motherland: look at us bonding

for the motherland: im so proud

*cracks coke can*: NO

*cracks coke can*: I TAKE IT BACK

*cracks coke can*: I AM SO OFFENDED

for the motherland: and we were doing so well

*cracks coke can*: HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF THIS RANBOO

*cracks coke can*: YOU SCOUNDREL

*cracks coke can*: YOU FIEND

*cracks coke can*: YOU WRONGUN

*cracks coke can*: quick tubbo I need more insults

for the motherland: my little athlete’s foot

*cracks coke can*: YOU MY LITTLE ATHLETE’S FOOT

*cracks coke can*: WAIT

*cracks coke can*: WHAT THE FJUCK DOES THA TMEAN TUBBO

tall child looking terrible: how dare you speak to my husband like that

tall child looking terrible: only I am allowed to call him that

*cracks coke can*: HUSBJANS??????/?

*cracks coke can* WHT THE FJUOCK DOE STHAT

*cracks coke can*: WHEN DI DTHIS HAPPEN???????

for the motherland: idk man

for the motherland: ranboo whens the anniversery?

tall child looking terrible: you’re asking ME?????

for the motherland: fair point

for the motherland: so somewhere in the vague past

*cracks coke can*: YOU’RE FUCKIJN MARRIED??/?

tall child looking terrible: technically, no

for the motherland: we wanted you to be flower boy

*cracks coke can*: oihh

for the motherland: you good big t?

*cracks coke can*: YEP!

*cracks coke can*: SURE!

*cracks coke can*: 100% NEVER BEEN BETTER

for the motherland: youre crying arent you

*cracks coke can*: NGOPE

tall child looking terrible: oh he definitely is

tall child looking terrible: look at that misspelling

tall child looking terrible: sir is Feeling the Emotions

for the motherland: damn, coulnd’t be me

for the motherland: rip to tommy but im built different

tall child looking terrible: I bottle everything up and then one day, I’ll die

*cracks coke can*: add another one to the mulaney reference counter

for the motherland: that’s number 32

*cracks coke can*: and you were doing so well

tall child looking terrible: I have no excuse

tall child looking terrible: lock me up officer

*cracks coke can*: youre going away for a long time

for the motherland: GOODBYE MY HUSBAND

for the motherland: YOU WILL BE MISSED DEARLY

tall child looking terrible: TELL MICHAEL HE IS MY FAVORITE CHILD

for the motherland: HE’S OUR ONLY CHILD

tall child looking terrible: THEN WHAT’S TOMMY???

for the motherland: THE NEIGBOR’S KID WHO HANGS AROUND TOO MMUCH

tall child looking terrible: MY STATEMENT STILL APPLIES

for the motherland: it’s true, micheal is just so wonderful

*cracks coke can*: ignoring the thing about me

*cracks coke can*: WHO THE FUCK IS MICHAEL

for the motherland: OUR SON

*cracks coke can*: WHNE DID YOU GET A CHILD

for the motherland: AROUND THE SAME TIME WE GOT ENGAGED

*cracks coke can*: WELL SEND ME PICTURES

*cracks coke can*: I MUST PERCIEVE THE CHILD

**[ _for the motherland_ has sent (14) pictures to the chat!]**

**[ _tall child looking terrible_ has sent (9) pictures to the chat!]**

*cracks coke can*: THAT IS AN EXCELLENT CHILD

for the motherland: THANK YOU HE IS OUR SON AND WE LOVE HIM

tall child looking terrible: HE CAN DO NO WRONG

*cracks coke can*: I WOULD DEFEND HIM WITH MY LIFE

tall child looking terrible: GUESS WHAT YOU’RE HIS GODFATHER

*cracks coke can*: WHJAOT WHY ARE YOU ONLY TELLNG ME THIS NOW

*cracks coke can*: WELP IM GONNA GO BE THE BEST GODFATHER TO THIS CHILD EVER

*cracks coke can*: PREPARE FOR MICHAEL TO BE SPOILED

for the motherland: HELL YEAH

**[Traumatized Teens Club]**

*cracks coke can*: SHIT WE FORGOT THE NUKE ANNOUNCEMENT


	2. capitalist: now you’re twice as not related to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [When Did We Get So Many People]
> 
> can’t touch this: and then I said  
> can’t touch this: that’s not a camel  
> can’t touch this: that’s my wife  
> orang: i want out of this FUCKING FAMILY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tommy: *cracks coke can*/TOMMAY  
> Tubbo: for the motherland/communist disappointment  
> Ranboo: tall child looking terrible/2% milk  
> Wilbur: can’t touch this  
> Fundy: orang  
> Schlatt: capitalist  
> Technoblade: Sun Tzu Kinnie  
> Hbomb: nyah  
> Eret: boy bi  
> Niki: jesse  
> Dream: Orb  
> George: blind motherfucker  
> Quackity: duck duck  
> Karl: goose  
> Sapnap: disco inferno  
> Phil: weeb father  
> Jack: mr manipedi

**[When Did We Get So Many People]**

can’t touch this: and then I said

can’t touch this: that’s not a camel

can’t touch this: that’s my wife

orang: i want out of this FUCKING FAMILY

capitalist: Wilbur I’m divorcing you

can’t touch this: we were never married???

capitalist: doesn’t matter

capitalist: now you’re twice as not related to me

can’t touch this: damn can’t argue with that

communist disappointment: father dearest

capitalist: not your dad

communist disappointment: idk what you mean

communist disappointment: youre playng your part perfectly

orang: eyyyy

communist disappointment: eyyyy

communist disappointment: back to the subject at hand

communist disappointment: father dearest

capitalist: still not your dad

communist disappointment: father dearest ranboo my beloved has an anouncmnet to make

Sun Tzu Kinnie: I Hate that sentence.

TOMMAY: OKAY SUN TZU KINNIE

Sun Tzu Kinnie: I’ve told you already, Wilbur changed my name once and I don’t know how to fix it.

TOMMAY: A LIKELY STORY

2% milk: announcement time!

**[ _2% milk_ has sent a video to the chat!]**

Sun Tzu Kinnie: I Hated that more.

nyah: i’m so proud of you

2% milk: thank you whoever you are

nyah: IT’S ME

nyah: HBOMB

2% milk: who is that

communist disappointment: he’s the old one ranboo

2% milk: oh I remember now!

2% milk: thank you wise elder!

nyah: WHY IS THAT ALL EVERYONE REMEMBERS ME FOR

nyah: PHIL IS OLDER THAN ME

can’t touch this: yes but you see phil accepts his place

nyah: I’M ONLY 27

TOMMAY: YOU ARE ELEVEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME

nyah: WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE A CHILD

TOMMAY: THAT’S IT WE’RE DUELING AT DAWN OLD MAN

nyah: wait no

TOMMAY: TOO LATE TIME TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS BITCH

nyah: wait i take it back

can’t touch this: you’ve created a monster h

nyah: HELP HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS

orang: SUFFER

nyah: MASTER FUNDY PLEASE

TOMMAY: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

nyah: it’s his name!

TOMMAY: NO THE FUCK IT ISN’T WHAT THE HELL

capitalist: are we going to ignore the threat of nuclear annihilation we all currently face?

can’t touch this: ehh it’s nothing new

orang: wouldn’t be the first time

can’t touch this: we’ve been bombed before

communist disappointment: i dont think youve seen the size of the hole i made the other day

can’t touch this: oooo send pics

**[ _communist disappointment_ has sent (3) pictures to the chat!]**

communist disappointment: :D

boy bi: what the fuck

jesse: tubbo please

Sun Tzu Kinnie: Tubbo what am I looking at.

Orb: that…

Orb: that frightens me

can’t touch this: tubbo I appear to have been outclassed

communist disappointment: thank you!

communist disappointment: my inspiration was looking at my trauma and everything that everyone has done to me and my home and saying “im gonna beat them at their own game” out of spite

2% milk: an amazing choice

TOMMAY: THAT’S MY BEST FRIEND

TOMMAY: SO PROUD

communist disappointment: HEY BESTIE

TOMMAY: YES BESTIE

communist disappointment: YOURE THE BEST

TOMMAY: OMG

TOMMAY: I CAN DIE HAPPY

TOMMAY: DREAM, YOU CAN COME FOR ME NOW

TOMMAY: GO AHEAD, SLAUGHTER ME LIKE YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED

TOMMAY: IT DOESN’T MATTER BC TUBBO THINKS IM THE BEST

2% milk: DREAM THAT WAS NOT A LEGITIMATE INVITATION

2% milk: TO CLARIFY, THAT WAS A JOKE

blind motherfucker: wait when did tubbo get nukes

duck duck: GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM GOGY

duck duck: THIS WAS ALREADY ESTABLISHED

duck duck: GOD

goose: damn big q really just popped off on geroge

disco inferno: geroge

blind motherfucker: i hate you

blind motherfucker: and if i could change my name i would

duck duck: but luckily for us wilbur is holding name privileges hostage

can’t touch this: s o o n

Sun Tzu Kinnie: I’m going to choose to ignore that to continue to focus on the prevalent issue of Tubbo, the government, having nuclear weapons.

Sun Tzu Kinnie: Do I need to step in?

2% milk: okay technoblade

communist disappointment: thank you for ignorig my very clear name and continiung to feed into my trauma, very cool :D

2% milk: eyyyyy

communist disappointment: eyyyyyy

orang: eyyyyyy

jesse: eyyyyyy

boy bi: are you all,,, okay?

TOMMAY: no way in hell big man

can’t touch this: never have been, never will be

orang: i don’t know why you expected otherwise

weeb father: when did the children becoming so traumatized

jesse: that’s not a good question to ask, phil

mr manipedi: we will simply have to move past this mr minecraft

orang: sobbing,, weeping,, crying in the club

goose: absolute mood

duck duck: ahahahaha

disco inferno: anyways changing the subject

disco inferno: who wants to come live in our happy little mushroom kingdom

jesse: oh?

orang: ayo??

TOMMAY: big s that may not be the best idea around me

2% milk: yeahhh or me

TOMMAY: ive burnt down one lesbian mushroom home

TOMMAY: i could very easily burn down another

Orb: do we need to have another exile?

communist disappointment: LIETARRALY SHUT YOUR ENTIRE FUCK DREAM

communist disappointment: YOU ARE A HALF PRICE PENNY LESS TAX DEDUCTIBLE HANDFUL OF BITCH

communist disappointment: I WANT TO SEE YOUR VOLLEYBALL LOOKING HEAD ON A SPIKE OUTSIDE MY FRONT DOOR

communist disappointment: ITLL BE LIKE A WARNING

communist disappointment: NO FUCKHEAD DICKWADS LIKE THIS CABBAGE PATCH MOTHERFUCKER VOER HERE

can’t touch this: yooooo tubbo popping off

duck duck: you good twobo?

communist disappointment: I WILL BE FINE

communist disappointment: BUT FOR NOW MY BEST FRIEND NEEDS ME

communist disappointment: SEE YOU BOUGEOISEE

**[ _TOMMAY_ is offline]**

**[ _2% milk_ is offline]**

**[ _communist disappointment_ is offline]**

mr manipedi: are they…

mr manipedi: are they good?

goose: are any of us?

mr manipedi: fair point to you my good sir

capitalist: moving on from that heavy moment

capitalist: who here is interested in a once in a lifetime opportunity to buy some cryptocurrency?

nyah: OH ME ME ME ME ME

capitalist: alright, let me give you the pitch

can’t touch this: dammit schlatt not again

capitalist: wilbur it’s not what you think!

can't touch this: oh so it’s not the schlattcoin?

capitalist: of course not!

capitalist: it’s completely different!

capitalist: this is the conar coin!

nyah: OOOOO SOUNDS FANCY

can’t touch this: brb sobbing

**Author's Note:**

> i have caved to the pressure of my discord server and begun a chatfic. from chatfics i have come, and unto chatfics shall i return
> 
> feel free to join us!
> 
> https://discord.gg/f2TndvQhX8


End file.
